Everything you ever need to know about members of the opposite sex you learn in high school.

You learn some of them are really hot, but most aren't. You learn some are really nice, but even those people make fun of you when you're not looking.

You learn friendships last longer than relationships, guys with attitudes attract girls with attitudes, and we all pick friends who are similar to us in attractiveness and intelligence.

I was at dinner recently at a moderately nice restaurant with a male friend who fortunately doesn't read this column.

He requested ketchup for his pasta, which is already disturbing, and inevitably a drop landed on his shirt. He cursed softly and blotted out the stain with a napkin. But seeing that that didn't get the stain out, he proceeded to . . .

CAUTION: SCENES OF GRAPHIC NATURE FOLLOW

After you've been living with your girlfriend for a year, you find yourself at the pound on a Saturday afternoon looking for a kitten -- and you're not exactly sure how you got there.

You didn't make a conscious decision to get a kitten, and yet now you're signing your name next to your girlfriend's and taking home an adorable little white-and-orange furry thing you name Shmelvis.

When this happens, there are a lot of "theories" from friends and family members about why you got a cat in the first place.

There's a woman in the house!

Actually, there's a whole lot of them. This month's congressional elections mean there are more women than ever in the House of Representatives (70-plus) and the Senate (16).

And not only that, but a woman is speaker of the House. (Insert joke here about women always speaking for the house anyway).

I am not an attractive woman.

That was the consensus at a Halloween party where I dressed as a local anchorwoman who, for the sake of both of our careers, must remain anonymous.

I applied to be a male prostitute today. 

I did this knowing full well that I would never ever actually be a male prostitute because I have a girlfriend, a job and anxiety being naked in front of strangers.

But when you come across an online application for a place called "Stud Farm," you can't not apply, right?

OK, don't answer that.

When I first started writing about gender, I assumed that feedback from readers would be divided evenly between those of us who don't wait in long lines at public bathrooms, and those of us who do.

In other words, I thought that gender would dictate perspectives on male-female relations.

I was wrong.

Men are funnier than women. 

I tried to be convinced otherwise. I contacted comedians, comediennes and even an anthropologist. I went to the masses by posting a bulletin on MySpace, and 53 responses later only one person -- a 17-year-old girl in England -- said women are funnier than men.

Back in the day, my girlfriend and I were second cousins.

I was "studious and bookish and not aggressive at all," while Deb, with "coils of gorgeous hair" that was "very clean and shiny," was nobility. She had servants, lots of property and cash, cash, cash.

At least that's what our psychic told us.

"See? Even in our past lives I was too good for you, baby," Deb said, accurately enough.

I'm gonna take out an ad:

BF & GF SEEK ANOTHER BF & GF TO HANG OUT WITH ON SATURDAY NIGHTS, MAKE RESERVATIONS WITH FOR TABLES "FOR FOUR" INSTEAD OF "TWO," TALK TO ABOUT WHATEVER IT IS THAT COUPLES TALK ABOUT AND HELP US FEEL LESS LIKE THE LOSERS WE'VE BECOME NOW THAT WE'RE NO LONGER SINGLE. MUST LIKE SUSHI, VERY SHORT WALKS IN THE PARK AND YOGA. RACE/RELIGION/OCCUPATION NOT A FACTOR. AGE MIGHT BE A BIT OF AN ISSUE.